i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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