I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
