I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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