mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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