o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
