I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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