So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
