I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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