I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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