A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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