Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
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Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
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Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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