Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
