he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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