mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
