when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
