Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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