no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
