"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize