nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
