I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
