You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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