3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
