Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
