apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm too high and old for this...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
