saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
