my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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