you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
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I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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