I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
