oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
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Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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