On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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