my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
