You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
