You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
