I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
