at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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