my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
