Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
