My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
