i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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