after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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