Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
