According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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