I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
