i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
