that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Mom said you looked used
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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