I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
