I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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