He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
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I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
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You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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