and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dick very happy bro
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
