The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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