my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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