my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
