hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You're like the curious george of whores
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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